The Cart Before the Horse

Weird.

I feel weird. Well of course I feel weird, I AM weird. Well, okay so a duck can’t feel like anything but a duck. Still I feel at odds with myself.

See in the last like month Chris and I have been talking about our wedding. We actually have most of it planned out. And hey that’s great you say! But here’s the catch. We aren’t engaged yet. Yes, he hasn’t officially proposed yet. I keep telling him how I feel weird making plans for something that isn’t fully formed yet. Sort of like picking baby names before your pregnant. Oh wait. We’ve already done that too. I get all excited then feel bad for getting excited. I feel I’m excited for no reason.



A few nagging concerns.



Actually we both feel like we’re engaged already. The only thing we’re waiting on is a small thing I asked Chris to do a few months ago. (Nevermind, don't ask.) We’re doing it all backwards and it feels so right except for a couple nagging thoughts.


I'd like that moment of surprise when he asks. It's enough that I pester him constantly just because its fun. But in reality I do want it to be a surprise. It would have been cool to have it come out of the blue but we wanted to talk about things before. We started talking last year about marriage. I guess we both wanted to make sure what the other wanted matched our goals and wishes. So instead of out of the blue I got something better, security. Which I found in past relationships I was missing. Another reason we were meant for eachother. He makes me feel safe and secure.



Another nagging thought. When we do get engaged what else do we have to plan? Not much. Which is good and bad. Being organized is never bad. But the thrill of planning we've already had. That feeling of 'what to do, how do we start?' we won't have to experience. Instead we'll have that work your butt off to save up for the big party problem. Which we hope to do under $3,000- $4,000. (Hush now, I heard your gasp) More on that in another post.

But I can’t help reading all the cool and odd wedding-y blogs like Offbeat Bride, Plumage, Weddingbee, AntiBride. (I've found I'm not your Knot type person) And I love talking with Chris about it. Especially when HE brings it up. Everytime I say I feel weird about planning our wedding he asks why. He tells me it's okay to do this. And if he thinks it's okay and for the most part I think it's okay then it is? Right?

But when I talk to friends, family or complete strangers, I can feel something. Unless it's my imagination I think people assume I’ve lost my marbles. We’re not engaged, why are we planning a wedding that hasn't been proposed yet? Oh and when they find out all the details we’ve got I’m sure they’ll really think we’ve lost our marbles. I feel like we’re in some sort of RomCom movie where the leading lady has a book of wedding stuff before being engaged. Or a movie where two kids fall in love and plan it all out just for reality to jump in and screw it all up.

We both know he’s going to ask and I’ll say yes. And we both know we want to get married next year. In fact we have a date, June 4th. So why do I feel so weirded out about being so excited?



I have a tendency to get all excited about something and then forget about it. So I'm assuming that will happen a while after we do get engaged. But with Mindy getting married then my friend Heather next year a month prior to our wedding I'm sure I'll have enough to keep my interest, eh?

Hmmm....

You know what? Either way it is what it is and this is how we are. If I'm worried over a small thing such as this what will the rest of the wedding be like? Too stressful. And that's not what I want. That's not what WE want. We want a fun time to be had by all. So pfffft :-P to everyone who thinks us planning a wedding before we're engaged is strange. Believe me this is the tip of the iceberg for weird and strange. Wait til next June 4th and we'll see if anyone remembers that we planned it before he asked!

Thats my story and I'm sticking to it.

(How's that for changing your mind?!! ha ha)

Tell me Lies, Tell Me Lies, Tell me sweet little lies

Old blog from my Facebook site. Well, not that old but still from late last year. I'll be posting some "older" notes from there.



(wikipedia) INTEGRITY is consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations and outcome. Integrity may be seen as the quality of having a sense of honesty and truthfulness in regard to the motivations for one's actions.


Lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little (white) lies.
Sunday Chris and I were talking and I was trying to guess what he bought me for Christmas. (Yes I know Christmas is a long way off but we both shop early…) After 30 minutes of playfully trying to guess, anything from the latest Wheel of Time book to a trip to Disney World, I gave up. He then told me that I had guessed something for Christmas and something for my birthday. But I had thrown out so many things I would never be able to narrow it down. So white lies can sometimes be beneficial. If I did guess and he told me 'yes, that’s it' instead of 'nope, sorry, guess again' I’d no longer be surprised. I think perhaps sometimes white lies are spoken with love. That’s the kind that won’t hurt anyone and help a positive outcome.
Sadly, though there are few lies in this world that are harmless.

Liar. You stupid selfish liar.
Or at least that’s what I wanted to say. Sitting in the car recently I was told about a conversation where a lie was told to make Chris and I out to be scapegoats. I was outraged and luckily I wasn’t driving. I was blinded temporarily by anger. This person who told the lie is notorious for doing things like that so I shouldn’t have been surprised. Over the years I had blown things off he said and did. However previously it wasn’t such a public lie to so many people. The lie was placed on us simply because we weren’t there at the time to stand up for ourselves. So it was a lie of convenience. But much like anything of convenience there is a price to pay. Now my trust in him is diminished enough that I’m thinking of saying no next time he asks for help. Which of course will further aggravate the person into lying more I’m sure. It’s a vicious circle.

I know it’s not easy to say I was wrong but is it really easier to lie?
Everyone and I mean everyone lies at one time or another. But what makes us lie so much? We know we’ve done wrong, we know we should fess up. As my brother says it’s easier to tell the truth instead of trying to remember the web of lies you’ve woven. Because it really is an intricate web of lies you have to remember. Snowball effect, one lie leads to another. So to lie, you’d better have a great memory. Or at least a better memory than the person you’re lying to. At what point does the web break under the weight of the lies and you go spiraling down into trouble?

House of cards
Well, like I said everyone lies at one point or another. Lies can be told to impress people, helping us to better our situation however falsely. But generally they are used to keep you out of trouble. Those lies are made to alleviate our guilt about something we’ve done. Although guilt is a sounding alarm meant to fend off things such as lying its often too late. Once the lie is told it’s even harder to admit to telling a lie.

So how does it feel to be lied to? To have someone straight faced stand there and lie? I think in the story above it was easy because we weren’t there. But when you are faced with the person knowing you have lied what then? When we find out someone has lied to us or led us to believe something untrue we lose respect and trust in that person. Perhaps we don’t know we’ve lost those things but we have. I know myself most times I don’t say anything if I find out someone has lied to me. But I’m more cautious to believe them after that. Something is broken when that happens and is lost.
Trust is like a house of cards, it takes a long time to build up but when the foundation is shaken even just a little-everything falls apart.

Are lies worth the sin committed when losing so much?

A Year and a Half: Last part

Well the holidays came and went with all the usual fuss and fanfare. Chris worked tons of hours at Gamestop and I got a pt job at Fashion Bug. (We both still have our pt jobs) But we were able to go to the twin cities and watch one of those Christmas light shows. We've heard of a few houses doing this. They light their houses with strings of lights and other lighted decor. Then they use computers and equipment to line it up to blink in time to music. Most have a short term, short distance radio station they use to transmit the music. So very cool and so very fun.



Bad news comes in not in threes but tens.

Around Christmas is when the bad stuff started happening. And even in June it is still happening. My mom lost her job and a week later a friend of hers died. Then shortly after new years I lost a friend to a drunk driver. Not going into details but, hardhips hit everyone in my family. My father hurt his back and since February has been on workman's comp. I had a kidney stone in May. And let's hope the second half of the year gets better. I recently found out that I did in fact pass my stone. No surgery needed this time!



Better tidings

Through all that we did have some good things happen to us. In late February/early March we got a kitty from the Humane Society. (I was helping out there in the fall but stopped once I started at FB.) I had wanted a low key kitty that was loving and would let you pick it up anytime. I had originally wanted an older cat because they are more low key (and are harder to adopt out). When I told the staff there what I wanted they said, well we've got a perfect one for you but he's a year and a half. They showed us "Benny" and I fell in love. In fact he was the cat my brother saw when we walked in and had said, thats the cat for you before they showed him to me. I had seen him online on their website and I recognized him. Well he came home with us and we renamed him Pippin Underfoot. Mainly after the hobbit from LOTR because he's inquisitive, loving, not too bright and kinda klumsy!


Anniversary Watch

Backing up a couple of weeks we had our 1 year anniversary. The weeks before V-Day Mix 94.9 was having a contest. In 60 seconds you had to tell everyone why your man should win the grand prize. You also had to get JFKruse and Mi Famiglia in your speech. Grand prize was dinner at Mi Famiglia, movie tickets and a $400 watch from JFKruse. Second place was just the watch and third place was a beer mug and Pete the dj's mix tapes from high school. (Which I still wonder what was on there....)

Anyway I was one lucky caller and I got through. I had wrote down what I wanted to say and got in just under 60 seconds... literally I clocked in at 58 seconds. I had practiced to get it down that far!

What I had come up with was a fairytale of our life so far. Those going to the website would vote for their fave after listening to the audio clips.

Here's what I said:

"Once upon a time there was a fair maiden named Sheri. She had kissed her share of frogs and was only getting all the warts. One frog even took his mother to mi famiglia when they opened, but not her.
Along came a strong handsome knight, Chris. He had given up on finding love and was living the bachelor life.
Through mutual friends the two met and had their first date on Valentines Day.
They hit it off and Chris turned out to be Sheri’s prince. He showed her that nice guys do exist. He gave her love, respect and even a brand new camera to fulfill her biggest dream, to be a photographer.
He took her out to places she’d never been, even took her once to Mi Famiglia.
One day Chris said let’s go to JF Kruse. I know the people there and I want to get you the perfect ring!
But alas, money wasn’t plentiful, a ring would have to wait.
Soon a year will have gone by and the day of their first date will come and go. With your help Sheri can give Chris a memorable gift and a magical anniversary."

We did end up wining second place! First place was only a few votes away but I am glad we got what we did. I was able to give chris an awesome anniversary gift. Besides the Trivial Pursuit game and Star Trek Scene It. (Which I had already bought before Xmas!) Chris gave me a truly awesome gift. Although he gave me too many hints and I ended up guessing it. Season passes to Renfest!! YAY! Now we didn't have to worry about buying them in August.

Well, now it's been just under a year and a half. I hope to keep surprising him just as much as he surprises me. We know we're getting married but he has to ask still. But because we know our love is steady and unwavering we have already planned 75% of the wedding out. Now I just keep teasing him that I'll propose to him before he does to me. We'll see. *twinkle in my eye*

A Year and a half cont'd

Scavenger hunt!
Around July we participated in a scavenger hunt in downtown St Cloud and parts of SCSU. We had a rocky start but ended up with a lot more points than we thought and a great memory. The prize was a ten thousand dollar diamond ring. Wowza. *See the story of this at our website under "Fun Stuff"

Rambling about a Ring
But that got Chris to start asking what I liked in a ring. I didn't know so we went to a few jewelry stores. Finally I decided I didn't like big and gaudy, but I do like 'swoopy'. Yes, swoopy. Like the ring comes up and cups the stone. After looking at the prices we were pretty down. There's no way he or we, could afford such a luxury. I told him the I don't need a diamond. And in reality I don't need a ring. A ring of cheese in the crust of a pizza is just great for me. Down on one knee with a slice in his hands asking me to marry him would be just fine in my book!
So the looking continued and it was much like taking a child to a petshop then telling them they are allergic to cats and dogs and could never have one. BWAH! How cruel! So I told him I'd love an amethyst as a nice alternative. Really, I'm not diamond fancy anyway. He did some research and found a stone called Moissanite. Moissanite was discovered in a meteorite back in 1893 by Henri Moissan. He mistakenly thought the mineral was diamonds. In reality it was silicon carbonite,re- named Moissanite after him. It's hardness is close to diamonds and is used as a cheap alternative when used in cutting. It is also used as a cheap(er) alternative in jewelry.

Who knows what he picked but I do know he has a ring. As of today, June 21st I still do not know. :-)

You jerk, you jerk, you jerk!
The summer went by and then came Renfest. I'm so happy Chris likes Ren and likes to dress up. We got season tickets and went almost every weekend. Just before Ren season started though my Nikon D80 started making a red line on each picture. I was pretty devastated since I had two weddings and senior pictures to shoot. I was mulling over getting it fixed vs getting a new camera. Chris kept saying he had a surprise for me. An early Christmas present in fact. One day we went to Ciatti's on a romantic date. He told me to bring my D80 so we could go take pictures at Munsinger. We ate and I left the table to go to the bathroom. I came back and found a big present sitting on the table. I opened it up and found a brand new D90 with an awesome lens! WOW! I told him before I went to the bathroom that the present he was going to give me (back at his place) better not be too expensive or I'd punch him in the arm. So when I opened the box and I saw the D90 I started crying because it touched me so much. He sat next to me and gave me a hug. Then I started slapping his arm and telling him it was too expensive of a gift and calling him a jerk over and over. Since I was crying, slapping his arm and calling him a jerk I think the people around us thought he was breaking up with me! ha ha

And even more to come in the next post.

A year and a half later (and Love, geek style)

Oh Belle! Its been so long since I've heard from you!
Okay so I am still talking to myself but since my last post alot has changed.
In fact I forgot I had this blog. Then in an attempt to be super cool (or at least start a blog for our website) I decided to start up again.
Okay, lets see. Since my last blog was January 9th of 2009 and it is now June 16, 2010 I have to recap a year and a half. A very important year and a half.
A couple months after the breakup in '08, Kari a friend from work, started asking me if I'd like to meet one of her husband's friends. I didn't say yes until just after Christmas when I felt really good about myself. I didn't want to meet someone just to meet someone. I wanted to be okay with me first.

A beginning....
Well January 24th I went over to their house for supper. There I met this guy they wanted me to. Oh he looked so familiar! And that I think was the first or second thing (after Hi) out of my mouth. Yeah, good going Sheri. Great start.
For the rest of that nite we played trivial pursuit. Where Kari's husband Paul squarely kicked out butts. I thought I was smart, but I'm not. I should have picked up the kids edition. I might have had a chance....
My sister (inlaw) Bea told me she'd call me during the date just in case it was going badly. At that point I'd make an excuse and leave. But I found I was having fun and didn't have to. I remember at one point letting my real personality show but all Chris did was laugh. I sighed with relief. (it was a comment about duct taping kids or something *smirk*) At the end of the nite I waited around making excuses to slip him my number but never got a chance. I gave Kari my number to give to him but it took him a couple weeks to call. Frankly I had given up. I would have called him but didn't have his number.
No Pressure....... on the most romantic day of the year....
So after trying to get our schedules to match we finally set a date up. It was the KVSC trivia weekend so he was going to come over to a friend's house for trivia after we ate out. I don't know when but one of us figured out it was Valentine's Day we set our date for. Oh well, I've had weirder Valentine's Days. Hopefully this one doesn't end with me bawling my head off like last year I thought.
I really didn't have to fear that. It went splendid. We ate at Jimmy Johns and helped with trivia at Michelle's house.

A woohoo kind of love.
Even though I said I'd take things slow I couldn't help it. I felt a connection and a calmness, or more of a secure feeling. This man felt.....right. Over the year he became to feel like home. As though wherever he was-there was my home. Although I faltered when I found out he's a republican! Can you believe it? Although, at the heart of it we agree on the big topics and agree to disagree on the rest. Until the presidential primaries. We'll see then. ;-)

A year flies by.
Anyone who has felt true love with no assumptions, no ulterior motives, no underlying agendas knows what I felt. I can't rightly speak for Chris but I have a good feeling I know this to be true. We both fell head over heels within 2 months. I knew he loved me and was the one for me when listening to me whine about going back to Disneyworld he told me: Well, we can go there for our honeymoon. (ding ding ding ding!!!) And that was the clincher. Not only did this show me his intentions but also that he understood me and would never try to change or mold me. This realization still makes me speechless with awe.

More to come of the first year in another day's post.