I feel weird. Well of course I feel weird, I AM weird. Well, okay so a duck can’t feel like anything but a duck. Still I feel at odds with myself.
See in the last like month Chris and I have been talking about our wedding. We actually have most of it planned out. And hey that’s great you say! But here’s the catch. We aren’t engaged yet. Yes, he hasn’t officially proposed yet. I keep telling him how I feel weird making plans for something that isn’t fully formed yet. Sort of like picking baby names before your pregnant. Oh wait. We’ve already done that too. I get all excited then feel bad for getting excited. I feel I’m excited for no reason.
A few nagging concerns.
Actually we both feel like we’re engaged already. The only thing we’re waiting on is a small thing I asked Chris to do a few months ago. (Nevermind, don't ask.) We’re doing it all backwards and it feels so right except for a couple nagging thoughts.
I'd like that moment of surprise when he asks. It's enough that I pester him constantly just because its fun. But in reality I do want it to be a surprise. It would have been cool to have it come out of the blue but we wanted to talk about things before. We started talking last year about marriage. I guess we both wanted to make sure what the other wanted matched our goals and wishes. So instead of out of the blue I got something better, security. Which I found in past relationships I was missing. Another reason we were meant for eachother. He makes me feel safe and secure.
Another nagging thought. When we do get engaged what else do we have to plan? Not much. Which is good and bad. Being organized is never bad. But the thrill of planning we've already had. That feeling of 'what to do, how do we start?' we won't have to experience. Instead we'll have that work your butt off to save up for the big party problem. Which we hope to do under $3,000- $4,000. (Hush now, I heard your gasp) More on that in another post.
But I can’t help reading all the cool and odd wedding-y blogs like Offbeat Bride, Plumage, Weddingbee, AntiBride. (I've found I'm not your Knot type person) And I love talking with Chris about it. Especially when HE brings it up. Everytime I say I feel weird about planning our wedding he asks why. He tells me it's okay to do this. And if he thinks it's okay and for the most part I think it's okay then it is? Right?
But when I talk to friends, family or complete strangers, I can feel something. Unless it's my imagination I think people assume I’ve lost my marbles. We’re not engaged, why are we planning a wedding that hasn't been proposed yet? Oh and when they find out all the details we’ve got I’m sure they’ll really think we’ve lost our marbles. I feel like we’re in some sort of RomCom movie where the leading lady has a book of wedding stuff before being engaged. Or a movie where two kids fall in love and plan it all out just for reality to jump in and screw it all up.
We both know he’s going to ask and I’ll say yes. And we both know we want to get married next year. In fact we have a date, June 4th. So why do I feel so weirded out about being so excited?
I have a tendency to get all excited about something and then forget about it. So I'm assuming that will happen a while after we do get engaged. But with Mindy getting married then my friend Heather next year a month prior to our wedding I'm sure I'll have enough to keep my interest, eh?
Hmmm....
You know what? Either way it is what it is and this is how we are. If I'm worried over a small thing such as this what will the rest of the wedding be like? Too stressful. And that's not what I want. That's not what WE want. We want a fun time to be had by all. So pfffft :-P to everyone who thinks us planning a wedding before we're engaged is strange. Believe me this is the tip of the iceberg for weird and strange. Wait til next June 4th and we'll see if anyone remembers that we planned it before he asked!
Thats my story and I'm sticking to it.
(How's that for changing your mind?!! ha ha)
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