Overwhelmed.
Lately I’ve been feeling overwhelmed when I get home. Especially when I go into my bedroom. Since I was a teen my bedroom has been my getaway. My place to escape and also my storage spot. When I was a kid though I used to drag all my toys into the livingroom and play there, not my room. Finally my parents, being fed up with their couch being a toy box, told me to go play in my bedroom.
But now when I walk into my bedroom there is no place to play even if I had the urge to break out some toys. (Okay I KNOW a few of you are thinking dirty just because the words bedroom, play and toys were in the same sentence. Oh and the word urge. Don’t go there!) I have piles of stuff with two paths, one to the window/air conditioner and one to my bed and closet. This is no way for a grown woman to live. Though I fully admit I’m not a grown woman. That is another blog post though.
Embarassed.
When I tried on my dress a few weeks back I prayed my mom (who helped me into it) would not say anything about my room. My parents have the habit of KNOWING I’m not a grown woman and calling me out on stuff like you would a 16 year old. Ugh. Anyway as she was helping me and having a hard time she kept backing up into the piles of stuff. I was embarrassed. Then a couple weeks later Mindy came into my room to help me into it again so she could see it. Again I was embarrassed. There is a reason ‘bare ass’ is in that word. That’s how you feel like you are. I felt shameful like I was naked and ‘bare assed’.
Denial. Not just a river in Egypt.
Let me stop here because I don’t want you to have the wrong impression. I am not a hoarder. You watch the show Hoarders and see gobs of flies sitting on old rotten food and find animal carcasses both domesticated and feral under piles of junk. I may be in denial and I know not all hoarders keep garbage but my problem is I happen to just be lazy with occasional fits of cleanliness. All my stuff is clothes, knick knacks, books and whatnots I’ve acquired or I’ve been given over the years. I don’t keep every pizza box, clean it and shove it away in case I need to deliver 27 pizzas somewhere. Honestly I talked to a couple in St Cloud at a garage sale and they said his mother did just that.
Saying goodbye to old friends ala Toy Story 3.
So let’s get back to staring at the massive amount of stuff in my room. As I stand there looking I get overwhelmed so I put it off. But lately I have had an itch. I read a saying that said: “Live Simply So Others Can Simply Live.” Have I been living simply? No. I see that in the piles of stuff I haven’t taken care of. In the jewelry that falls behind the shelf and stays there because there is just too much stuff in the way. I see it also in the large Rubbermaid tubs where I keep old memories, toys, books and clothes that never get used. Sadly they may never get used or looked at again if I just keep feeling overwhelmed. So I sat down on the floor Sunday morning and started. Slowly at first I went through what I found on the floor by a bookshelf. I put things into three piles: toss, donate and keep. Then on the bookshelf I pulled off the books, categorized them and re-arranged the shelves to fit some large scrapbooks on them. I carefully worked my way down one wall. Then I worked on what was in the tubs so I could have room to put away things in the keep pile. I re-arranged parts of my room while doing this. I found it got easier and easier as I tried to look at everything with an analytical eye. I tried to distance myself emotionally. It worked for the most part.
Partius Interruptus.
Soon it was time to go to a birthday party and my cleaning was interrupted. After that I met up with my parents. A friend texted me to tell me she was in town but my room was even more of a disaster than when I started. I told her no and sent her a picture. But by then the disaster was orderly piles instead of disarray. Hurrah! Then the feeling of being overwhelmed came back extra strong. I must have been emotional because I fell asleep on the hard floor for a half hour. Holy crap. The hardest part of it all is parting with gifts and things from my childhood. Three porcelain dolls I have was hard. But I consoled myself knowing that maybe some little girl would cherish them as I did when I was younger. I have no room now to display all my knick knacks and they would make someone happy.
So the next two nites I kept plugging away at the piles, at the tubs, the bookshelves, and the closet. On Tuesday nite a bit before 8pm I loaded up my car full of stuff. My whole back seat and the floor (my trunk is a gateway to Narnia so I can’t use that…..) and the front seat piled a foot from the ceiling and the floor as well. Just to give you an idea that my car does in fact at this point look like it belongs next to that “van down by the river”. I decided when I started this that I’d like to give most of it to the Place of Hope or Expressions of Hope on East St Germain. They are a Christian church that has a thrift store. So I drove through downtown, over the bridge and found that they were closed. Blah. So much for giving it to them. I called up Savers at 8:10 pm and found that they only accept donations til 8pm. Crap. Crap. Crap. I have a car full of stuff that like a bandaid I just want to rip off and have a clean break. The next nite I worked at Fashion Bug so I didn’t have time then.
So for the last two days I’ve had a car full of stuff. I do look like I’m homeless. Great. Just the look I was going for. I should throw some Mcdonald’s wrappers in for good measure.
Hopefully tonite I will have my not-so-clean break and give it all away. I started out wanting to give away a third of my possessions and so far I’d estimate it was more like a sixth to an eighth. Good start but hopefully I’m not done. God granted me the strength to start now I hope he’s got more for me to continue.
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